Sweet Sanctuary

mood: exhausted

The wind blew south...i have a sudden impluse to blog at 1.25A.M.

It's been a long long journey; and i'm still on it. (p.s. o wind have mercy..)

Surrender. Delivered/.

I'm in a season of building relationships; more of restoring and strengthening still; not complete but still at it/.

At least some of those i mentioned in my previous posts have begun their healing...something at least..Thank God (:

However, some things are just not what it seems anymore.. whatever's brewing underneath; should i blow its cover or just let it gloss over and let time heal all wounds? Mmm...

" Time heals all wounds they say and i should know,
         But it seems like forever, and I'm letting you go.."

Another season of adapting; mel is leaving for aussie in a few mths le....another fren departs..Haiz )): Oh wells...Father u noe best.

Another time of change/.

One down yet another... when is it ever going to end? (when i die lor..haha>.<)

Unsettled; somehow i feel if we don't settle what's at hand, misunderstanding will just built upon each other; negativity will just outshadowed one another... and soon we'll realise that you and i aint the same anymore... The point is when e past aint cleared; and unfinished business lingers, i can't take in new input from you; let alone those of judgement and criticism ( no matter whether it was out of good love and intention). It just becomes harder, cos u know Satan plays with thoughts..." What right has she got to say me...she aint any better". This is bad bad bad.... so God please give me a chance to iron things out...divine ornot; let it be thine/.

What does it take to rebuke in love? When done insensitively; it hurts/.

Is my faith a relying faith? A deliberate act of reliance is the corresponding action to one's faith..

Am i losing myself in selfless love? Ironic as it may be...rmb kat: In Moderation/.

It's time for another breakthrough in ministry....

Teach me to be Your sheep, in order to shepherd my sheeps just like how You would for me (:

- Better is one day in Your courts than a thousands elsewhere-

" How lovely is Your dwelling place, O Lord, God Almighty,
   My Soul yearns even faints, for the courts of the Lord.
    My heart and my flesh, cries out for the living God,
     How lovely is Your dwelling place."

Season of rain; periods of sunshine/. Trust His Heart (:

Attachment is starting soon; Lord you know my greatest fear; pls show Your favour upon me!! -s.o.s-

Little hut of love; my heart's secret deed/.

Destiny remains unveiled; Lord i pray for open doors/.

Transitions...

In Love, complements are way better than compliments..

2 Months and counting...let us not lose sight and continue to journey on closely. I love you dear.. (: We've been through so much thus far, i pray by now you are as certain as i am  (: It's my blessing to have you held my hand in this journey; you're God's very gift to me--to mould, to refine, to nurture, to build on, to challenge me..into a woman of God. Sometimes you may have make me cry, you may have broke my heart, but each time i just have a deep sense of knowing that you'll pick them up all over again.. (: That's how much faith i have in you, that's how much i would say i love you. Thank you dear; i know it has been hard on you, i'm learning too. Forgive me too.. Every word that you say, every deed that you've done, every affirmation, every touch; are all precious pieces that unlocks this new chapter in my life. Little pieces that stays framed up like a puzzle and treasured in my memory vault. You are my one true love... =) i love you dear... ((:

I know this post is full of random thoughts; i just hadnt got time to piece them together; so ignore my rambling if u can't make sense of it. Sorry (:

love-out,
Kat (:

mood: thoughtful

It's been quite awhille since i last keyed in an entry....

April's drawing to a close already; like the flowers that bloomed in spring and the leaves tt falls in autumn; much has changed; never the same again. Life goes on...

Where should i even begin my story? *shruggs*

School has resumed; i'm now in my final yr of studies. Campus life would soon be over.. have i fulfilled my calling? Am i aligned with my desiny? This questions spun up a web of thoughts in my mind... thinking... pondering... praying....

It was never in vain; Love made it all worthwhile/.

My holidays were interesting... many things changed: Status, Relationships, Priorities...

I thank God for everything and everyone that he placed before me; not knowing what he meant sometimes; but simply cling on and trust (: Because of God's faithfulness, I am kept secured in His love. Thank you for guiding my choices, my decisons n most of all;  my heart/. 

- - - - -
status; changed (:  "A cord of 3 is not easily broken; let us establish that between us k? "

      "It has been an amazing journey with you my dear...thank God for you and your ministry in my life. When God is truly our love-binder; even time and space can't keep us apart. The greatest intimancy is when our hearts r joined as one; and being convicted without questioning that God is keeping this love together. No matter how great the trial or adversity may be before us, in this same rain that we walk; on the same grounds that we tread on;thus definately in e same God we'll find refuge n strength. 
      Some issues are new learning journeys for me/. Give me some time; i'll adjust, adapt and go right back on track. Through these struggles, my heart is tested; moulded and refined. I can't say that i'm not affected, nor can i say i am not struggling; but it is through these struggles; my heart discerns and i can better identify with your love (: Thank you for being so understanding; for just simply trying. The effort''s enuf to make me smile (: Remember--communication and transparency; e topmost attribute in all relationships, so let us not lose sight of that ya? "You and I should bury our hearts so deep in God that we have to go through God to get it." Let us continue to journey on together in the many months to come... Thank you my dear..i love you <3 
      Thank you dear for standing by me in this rain. Thank you for lending me ur shoulders to rest my head. Thank u for giving me ur arms to run to when all else fails. Thank u for assuring me that you'll stand by me no matter what happens. Thank you for being who you are. Thank God for you dear...take my hand/.
      You taught me what sacrificial love is. You taught me what loving beyond imperfections is. The Christ in You showed me what love truly means. I am so grateful to be the girl chosen to be blessed by you" (: <33

-L.O.V.E- "your love is like a carousel; consistency and continuity"

Beauty of thy beholder; love in thy eyes,
Countless like sand; beyond space and time
The gentle breeze carresses; definining one's face;
soaked in the moonlight we lay; stars aplenty i say:
i love you more than words can say; trust me dear: I'm here to stay/.

Savoured your works in great delight,
beyond words; my heart clenched in the night...
Beauty evoked through thy words; tenderness transcends under your gaze,
What have i done to deserve this? 
Only by grace, only Thine/.

Holding till the end of time, may our hearts be intertwined.
Hand in hand we give Him praise; God will take us in His hands.
Step by step we tread with love, carried by our Lord above.
Through the joys and tears to come; I'll hold on; still saying:
you're my only one (: 
-simplelove-

It's a sweet hassle; the racing of hearts in meeting my dear's friends and family/. Haha...

You're still the one I run to..
the one that I belong to...
you're still the one i want for life/.
You're still the one that i love...
the only one I dream of...
you're still the one i kiss goodnight..
you're still the one/. ( and forever you will be) <3
- - - - - 

However; not all things come to a good end....

What is to come still will come. I am so sorry that things had to turn out the way it wasnt meant to be/.

Cruising down that winding lane
through thee pages; i saw ur face.
Black, white and shades of grey--
stained; creased; its glamour taint.
Life once lived; has now lost its rein.

Coffee, tea or tiramisu?
Conversations? None did we ensure...
Our thoughts, your words; emotions galore; 
one last look at our old dancing floor.

Once there but never again;
you or i? sanely insane..
Reminiscing throught the nights;
on what I thought was supposedly mine..

Shadows lingering at the door,
knock and enter; or say no moree.
Someone has to end this all; or
I will close that golden door.

Abba Father: oh i plead..
would You reign and plant the seed--
of Love, Trust and Integrity;
for none of these was meant to be.
Take heed/.

d.n.e/. ( is it really?)

- - - - - 
What happened between us girl? What did I do or not done? Why? Why? Why? 

*no response*

Many times i tried to settle it buddy; but you simply push me away. Many times I look at you in the eye; pleading to know what to say, but all you did was to look away.. )): Sadded... I tried. Perhaps I am still too passive; but u know it aint that easy....sometimes; it takes the other to initate as well.. I do get tired being the giving party. When i'm really down; i stop giving; do u even notice? My issue with u mattered more than my family's; do u not understand me enough to realise that? haiz..oh wells; All i could do now is to carry on my frenship with u (pretending that nothing is wrong); but whenever i retreat into tat little corner- ur image n our memories simply made me tear... my dear girl...my dear God..somebody help... *sighh*

And jiemei; i'm sorry if i hadnt had much time for u. It's reli too frequent a conincidence. But can you not take that tone with me in ur messages; that sarcasm n all breaks my heart...you know how imp u are to me; dun u? I'm trying dear...cant u see? Have faith in me dear..have faith in me..

One after another; you girls leave me...misunderstandings; doubts n uncertainties; do u girls know me? Mmmm.. )): *sobs*

All i can do now it to lay it upon Your altar Lord; upon Your altar... You see; You know...hold me tight Lord; i'm losing it...)): 

I need to shift my postion to see a clearer of picture of who I am before God. Thanks ben for listening. I've been through tougher situations; i knew who God was n where He was in it. Help me Lord to come back to You; only then; will all these problems fade away... Lord; take my wheel; I let You reign/.

Dad played shares n lost again...when would u learn my dear? Our debts are piling; we can't afford to take chances dear...we can't. Aint i stressed enough already? ...

(re)aligning priorities; changing perspectives; shifting attitudes; give me some time; Father: Guide me pls.

People to meet; to sort things out; Lord give me strength; I'm tired...too tired already....

I dun wan to return to my old self; where i shut e world from my inner heart- masked; everything becomes nothing but a facade; all that superficiality. I appear fine just to make u feel fine; but who appreciates it anyway? I have learn to share; to testify; to pour out my feelings; i dun wan to regret opening up; n i wont. Lord You reign/.

Reminder to you kat o kat: Trust His heart; only He won't fail you/.

Alright; it's time to give me mind some rest. Take care my friends; Nite-out/.

Loves, Kat (:

mood: relaxed

Trust His Heart

All things work for our good
though sometimes we can't see how they could
struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blinds us to the truth

Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim, and you just can't see Him
Remember you're never alone

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hands
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him

We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me to someday be just like Him

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand trust His heart.
                                              - Amen-

mood: nostalgic

Passion denotes Engagement. Engagement involves Commitment- all on the basis of one true Love/.

It has been a rocky ride. All i can see now is a bend in the road; frayed but awaiting that glimpse of hope. Whenever i try to steer the wheel; it simply goes out of control;Jesus please take the wheel/.
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random reflections:

I've fallen; help me come back to You.

995: help needed to mend a broken heart/.

It happened again ):

it rained heavily that night; precious teardrops ):

Pace is important; lest another heart attack.

Trust.Security- not an easy lesson for some.

words can make or break someone; i broke one and i'm sorry...

i really don't want to succumb under the holiday-syndrome; fill that loneliness Lord....

"sometimes i feel like i've got to get away"

Health or Wealth? be wise/.

a gift; my heart's delight; forgiveness.

Jehovah Jireh- i need You...
------

Sorry for the above-

It's still a long long way for me...

Sighh. The doctor said that dad's right eye most prob infected alr; the cancerous cells have spread from the left to the right. Daddy also scared le; that's why he came back home to slp on sunday night, rather than the usual overnite driving from sat early morn to mon morn; then off he goes to work again..what kinda life is this? 

All so that mei and myself can live comfortably....I'm beginning to think how sucky can i get as a daughter seriously-- housechores daddy do, cooking daddy do, cleaning, ironing, sewing, everything oso daddy. Yes, no doubt he said he just wan us to study n dun bother bout all these but still...sldnt i take e least bit of initiative? Sighh...i can always find a 1001 reasons cos i'm super busy; i'm not even home before 10 usually. Am i being too hard on myself or simply a spoilt brat? 

Mmm...daddy's really my superhero..but does he know that? Why can't i even express it? It's just so hard. I can be so open ard my frens; hugs for greetings is like the norm; but not with my dad; why, just becasue he's a man? Mmm... "ai zai xin li kou nan kai" sighh :/ All i ever strive to do is to make him happy with my acad results; for nineteen yrs..it has always been so....

No doubt i'm very worried; but i guess i'm not praying enough. After 2 weeks, i can really see that worrying does nothing but create even more worries; especially when i let it reign over prayers, there can never be a stop to worrying-- worried that e end-result of this illness is blindness; worried on how i will cope once e sole breadwinner in e house collapses; worried on how me; being a student will manage all these (not having a mum by my side either) she'll just worry even more. I dun even dare to tell her...scared her depression acts up again. Sis is having her exams now; she's alr stressing me out...So much to bear; but none to share with. I only have my God to help me now. i really dun wanna drive this; i wan You here with me.
------
Do my friendships only stand physically? Is there only superficiality that I see? The transition fm my family-based STC to a cold, independent poly life is just vastly different; almost unmanageable. No one really bothers once we're out of school. No one really...even you, you and you.

But i have no one to blame; i've played a passive role myself; a resultant from dissappointments and more disppointments. Expectations altered; attitudes changed; friendships cool-ed...

This has never been a problem for me. It's mine to learn that people dun have to live by my expectations. Instead, i should spend more time communicating thru on this with them. Yup, i will! Keeping great transparency in any relationship is my thing, so yupp..no more hiding or masking it up. I am upset and i will say it again; i really am. No matter how understanding i can be or i'll try to seem; i'm human after all. I have my limits...So let's work things out yea? ((:
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Is this the season for deaths? I've attended too many wakes already; sadded. I really dun like such settings... Reminds me of my own grandfather and my classmate who died last yr...Mm..Life is just too short; invest in what's eternal and not simply live for the moment...
-----
sometimes i feel like i've got to get away from this....tainted love/.
do you not understand that i made an unwilling choice?
do you not understand my heart aches as much as yours?
do you not know how much pressure i'm under; so as to not hurt you at all?
do you not know how painful it is to lose a friend; a companion; a soulmate?
where are you when i need you? where are you when my head hung low?
the saddest thing of all is loving a stranger who once had been...
right here (but never again)
oblivion may seem the best; but indifference? it's lethal.
i can only pray; in God's time, in God's plan, we'll find our what we lost. 
'It is best to have loved and lost , than never to love at all' i nvr regret it..take care..(:
-----
Results are out! Praise God; miracle really; underserved. Cos i studied under really bad condtions; cldnt focus as well nor did i finish studying but yet God is good to those who are faithful! Thank You Father (: [GPA: 3.5- 2AD, 4B+, 3B.] =D
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A pair of doves focused in love/.
you're still the one and forever will be... (:
i want to write a book with you; chaper after chapter; our destiny unveils...
i want to sail down the moon river; reflect and reminise about life with you
i want to be the key-bearer; sooner or later, someday...(we'll be)
-----
Alrite...my mental block's not helping at all..shall just randomly end off here.God Bless you dearies (:

xoxo, love-out/.
-----

mood: thoughtful

Time has wings; so capture the essence of every moment and truly live it...

Crossing over to 2008 has been spectacular; not under the usual blinding colours at the clubs n pubs, nor the romantic fireworks in the skies but in prayer with God and my CFers. The sharing of our lives at Sembawang Park, giving thanks to e Lord for 2007; all the tears and joys and through it all, we're still holding on ((: Thank u all for that memorable night (: Though i was pretty down for awhile cos of sth that was brewing underneath..but God still held the night together for me(: n thanks to you for appreciating me as an angel; as your friend; i felt really treasured (: In all, tks my CFers ((:

Indeed, year 2008; a year of "Choices" for me. True enough, i started the year with 1 big one; the one closest to the heart..i pray i'll walk on, making only the choices that You Father wants me to. Help me Lord i plead/. And i desire to walk in intimacy with You, help me, discipline me, mould me and make me whole (: Help me to fix my eyes on You like those of a dove, thank u (:

It was just not long ago that I celebrated my 19th Birthday (: But it was a good one! I know i'm lagging big-time to talk about this now.. but just wanna thank all my CFers for givin me a surprise party-- kena creamed by Peggy Lee but the bday video she made with e cfers totally melted my heart <3  and even van, romei, joyce,lydia gave me a little something, thanks gals! (:

Also, the super surprise celebration by my darling gals from "Whities" and the beautiful hand-made board of bday messages... i am really so so blessed to be so loved by all of you. Not to forget, my stc babes at Miss Clarity's and their very practical prezzie--a laptop bag. haha =p 

Thanks to Alwyn as well for ur keychain; so thoughtful of u (:

And of course my dear dear kor who delivered a bouquet of flowers to my doorstep..3 pink roses my favourite! heh..thanks kor! <3 i shant embarrass u here n tell everyone what happened along e way thou but u made e first record of sending flowers to e door! well donnee..hehheh..thanks kor (:

Lastly, thank you for ur lovely bear flower.. Thank you for e little box exquisite box (with e little scrolls of messages,bible verses etc) and of course the uniquely original "one-and-only" pair of earrings (: "Twillight" is beautiful indeed (: my heart's delight <3

Nothing beats the heartfelt love forwarded by all the darlings above to me; esp those who sms-ed me as well. THANKS DARLINGS =) i feel soooo.......... LOVED <3

Stepping soon into my final yr in poly is gonna be such an interesting journey,wif FYP & Attachment comin up, i really dun dare to imagine. :/ just let me get pass my exams first... i'm so gonna date my books...even on v-day...sians :/ hahah... oh wells *shruggs* 

So much has happened till i dunno where to start updating...

projects are finally overr...really killer sem man...but thank God for peggy, myra and melanie who has journeyed me through most of them (: it'll never be e same without u gals <3 i pray in yr 3 we'll continue to keep tt rapport (: loves loves!

kor ah kor...hang in there in army ya? Not just how most ppl wld say--army turns a guy into a man. But more of...transforming into a man of God. Press in hard with Christ. The Lord's grace will hold each day together for You; just take His hand ya? (: And still the same line for u: Seek God's heart and know your heart; for through it all; the Lord is your heart-bearer; so let nothing but His fill tt up (:

CF (Christian Fellowship) has been growing so much...beyond words. The lifes, the people, the heart, the love, the tears, the joy..the ministry...it's an interesting season...transformation; transitions, pruning, refining, discipleship...mmm... CF is just like family...school'll never be the same without them (: i look forward to serving God in CF in e new AY to come (:

Ever since i finish my 1/2 yr "heart challenge"..my life n heart has indeed been changed. I've learnt to delight in e Lord; just like Psa 37:4 "Delight yourself in e Lord and He'll give you the desires of your heart". I'm no longer that crazy little girl who can't wait to get in a r/l ; for i guess i've gone thru just enough to know that only a cord of 3 (Me, God, the guy) would not be broken. Thus, my top criteria ever since is that: the guy must love God more than me (: simply so for all else will fall in place then (:

" I would bury my heart so deep in God that a guy has to go through God to get it" (:

It's a journey I have choose to sail. 
It's this rain that I have choose to be under.
It's this path that I have choose to set foot on
It's your heart that I want to walk into but...
above all is Your heart o Father that I'll be after...eternally and forevermore <3

My 2 special sisters: I thank God for ur presence in my life.I thank God for slowly putting things in place, for opening one of ur hearts to me once again. Thank u my dear...i'll continue to journey with u...let His love always dwell amongst us.  I thank God for keeping u all safe in His love.No matter how complex things may seem,how hatred and mixed feelings may blind ur hearts, how difficult all these is seemingly becoming, how all ur words that pierce right throught my heart, or even how the shattering silence of ur broken hearts deafens me; i just want to say I'm sorry; i truly am/. 
I still love you all with e love of Christ and I will keep u all in my prayers. I pray n patiently wait till e day, our hands are joined in pure sisterly love; that always protects and always perseveres. Till the day that you're willing to embrace me again sister, I'll wait here quietly. Take heart my sister, I love you/. xoxo

8/1 my heart broke but got pieced together again... all in just one night/. that's e vulnerability of the human heart isn't it? The heart that pumps life yet the very same heart that can take that away as well..ironic huh? haha....That is why i think without God, this human mechanism is bound to fail.... Only God can keep it whole, only God can complete one's heart; mine at least (: 

Your little clip that captured my heart; words that touches yet tears one apart.
A million thoughts that flashes by my mind, stay strong i tell myself; God's love stays forever divine.
A thousand sorries that i want to say; but which of these would you make them stay?
A bank of thoughts that needs sorting out; give me a moment; and please hear me out...
Time to check and uncheck the heart; for our God deserves an UNDIVIDED heart <3

God is our love-binder and forever will be. If God is entrusted with thee, tn i shall believe that whoever goes running away will come running back again...rite? (: Faith is believing in what's unseen; hard as it may be, i shall simply believe (:

Insecurities and whatnots, place them down at His feet. 
For not even my love can fill that hole, only He, only Him.
Though i am bound by physical limits- in word and in deed,
but you have to learn to simple trust and believe--me/.
ain't love meant to be..beyond all these?
Stand firm in what was set out to be;
my love my heart; listen and take heed <3

Thanks nic for being my listener and ur own sharin(: I now understand the wiring of the human mind varies by the gender huh? Haha =p shhh' but wells; i'll take note and work on it. Thanks (:

Sometimes, is not just one other that makes another insecure...it's also what's within that individual that determines it/. Comparisons; inferiorities; insecurites and what-nots; i would say only when one finds their identity in Christ and be rooted in it; will he/she then display a different kind of confidence before man ( and the one they love). 

What am i holding on that makes me so secured? It may look as though i'm not struggling; it may seem as though i don't care as much; but in actual fact; i do. I too go through the ups and downs; the missing and emoing; the thinking and falling; but what held me together in true joy & security; is God. That is the ONLY reason why i aint responding the way like what most girls would. I don't want to fall into a phase where i start reacting to please or to show so outwardly my love ;for I believe that true love lies not just in word and in deed; but in spirit and in truth (: I'm working towards that; to consecrate (set apart) my heart for God. So "Pace" is the key, watch it and take heed/. (: 

For those you out there who are in love, make sure you have a pacer with your partner. Through prayer and accountability, pace urselves well in God and dun get flushed away by all the raging love and passion. No doubt limits n boundaries set would have their reign over you but rmb, God looks at the heart; and that's not sth that one has easy control with...so hand ur hearts to Him, and He'll keep them safe and pure. <3 I also learnt that when every little word starts to mean too much; either good or bad; it shows a change of the heart;n also raised expectations from the other person. The identity has been altered; the heart has taken over. So make sure; God is still above it all (:

I'll mend my net to keep my catch (:

I think it's getting too long an entry already huh...my fingers just can't stop..haha (: I shall spare a thought for all ur eyes then...take care people. May God's love bless u.

xoxo; love-out/.

mood: worried

Let us pray (:
God will make a way, when there seems to be no way.
He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me.
He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side.
With love and strength; for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way (:

By the roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
By the rivers in the deserts will i see
Heaven and earth will fade, but His word will still remain
He will do, something new today (:
_________________________________________________

mood: thoughtful

"Where my Heart is, there my Treasure will be"

Journeys apart; day after day
it has been a long road ever ahead...
Showers of rain with crashing of waves
one by one, they come my way....

How easy it might be if i would just let it all go...
How hard can it be to just turn around and go?
O heart u tell me, let's just go slow....

Under the rain i can't avoid pain
sane; insane? just let it rain...
For through it all none stays the same,
None but one--the lamb that was slain.

I made a choice; so hear my voice
To yield my one heart,  over to You.
Place it where Your heart desires,
for only so, will all else lasts...

A promise said; a covenant made
to consecrate; whatever it takes..
Words and people affect much
But only Yours; my heart yearn and touch...

One or two or maybe a three,
Friends or foes? i don't define thee.
Love shall be my very key,
in hope to find our sisterly peace...

Walking down the lovestruck lane
taking chances and thoughts that taint,
Fluttering hearts and what have you;
in God alone, shall our love prevail...

Over our heads, and under our heels
God's eternal love; being all that we knew.
Soar up high on thy eagles' wings,
Make us strong; in this cord of three.

I said it once and i'll say it again:
i will stay strong; with you in this rain.
So don't you ever push me away;
with God as our shield; Come what may (:

mood: loved

Shepherd of my soul
I give You full control
Wherever You may be, I will follow
I have made the choice
to listen to Your voice
Wherever You may lead, I will go (: